Losing My Will
by Katyfoxdemon2
Summary: When you love someone so deep they become a part of you. How do you go on without them? Complete
1. Default Chapter

Just a little something i just thought up and wanted toget down  
  
Disclaimers:Not mine sorry  
  
Warnings:It will have a death  
  
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My long red hair blows past my face as i walk hme. I know my mother has been terrible worried after myself being gone for so long. As i walk i look around at everything around me. He still is here.   
  
Its in that tree by the park where i used to find him. Or The ice cream palor we went to. Even in the park where we had picnic and other things lovers and friends do. He is still all around me.   
  
The day we became more than friends plays in my mind. Then comes the first time we made love. THen my mind travels down to all the promise made and fullfilled to those that will never be. It is those that hurt the worst.   
  
As another tear falls from my eyes i go inside my mothers home. For i cannot bear to return to my apartment. Not tonight. I talk to themand play the good son. I have that part down.   
  
My mother lets me have my old room for the night. How kind of her. Honestly as i go in a part of me for a secound see's a dark shadow by my window. I blink its gone. Gone. Yes he is gone. Never to return to me. For now the once heartless theif is alone. With this i go lay on my bed  
  
As i lay there thoughts roll around. Then i begin to go over what lead to this distruction.   
  
It all started at my work place. Everyone was talking about their love lives and exchanging stories. Mine have to stay sealed and shut. No one must no who claimed my heart and soul. He wanted it that way. I just went along. ANything to have that inclusive demon. We had been together for many years. Around ten. It was hard when he left for the Makai. Leaving me alone in the Ningenkai. But he came to vist me like clock work. He would spend a month in Makai then two here with me. Not very often would i join him in Makai. He never seemed like he wanted me to. Or maybe i turned a blind eye to it al. No matter it all ended tonight.   
  
i shift in my bed and try to dream. It is hard to fall to a dreamless sleep. But after taking a makai herb i am there.in a blissful dream where he is still mine.  
  
**************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************Ok um..how was it? Bad or good? Should i post the rest of forget it? .Please reveiw and let me know!. 


	2. Why Do These Memories Haunt Me?

Here is somemore. I really hope i am doing a good job!! Thanks for reading this!!  
  
Warnings:Yaoi or Shonen Ai  
  
DIsclaimers:Still not mine  
  
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I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. My heart is beating in my chest. I look towards the window. I look to where he would be. Damn it!! How can i get over this? I..I cannot. I slam back down on my pillow once again fighting off tears. THey hreaten to overcome me. THey threaten to invaide the lie that is my life now. I shut them tight and will them away. But they still stream down my face.  
  
I get upand get a glass of water. My gaze takes in my mothers home. How it always was able to comfort me. No longer can. EVerything is tainted. I go and get myself a bowl of ice cream and return to my room. My tears hit the creamy treat. My thoughts drift to another time. In this same place.  
  
~~Flash back~~  
  
Hiei came inside soaking wet. I mile at the smaller man. Trying to hid a giggle. Seeing that brave warrior al wet. He glares at me. Yet it holds no hatred. I can see the love shinning in his eyes.   
  
"Fox, I am hungry."He says taking off his wet clothing.   
  
My eyes feast on his slowly becoming naked skin. My heart rate races and my blood rises to certain places.   
  
"FOx!' He says for who knows how may times. I blush.  
  
"Hai, Hiei what can i help you with?" I said trying to hid my growing erecttion.  
  
He smirks. THen advances towards me. He then gives me a passiontte kiss. In his arms i feel as igf i am home. This is where i was destined to be. My bliss is broken after a few moments.  
  
"I am hungry fox. Feed me then you will get what you need"He says and goes to sit on my bed.  
  
I lick my lips taking in his taste. I know that my palms have becoming sweaty. This is just how he is. Coming in here and setting my blood on fire. My soul, heart and body belonging to that foul tempered demon.  
  
"WHat would you like to eat?" I ask him in a husky passion laced voice. His eyes grow to their softer look. He gives me a half smile.  
  
"Sweet snow than you Kitsune. THat is all i want on this night." He says.  
  
~~End of flashback~~  
  
I throw the bowl against the wall. Sending the bowl into a hundred pieces and the ice cream splattered on the wall. Heavy angry tears make their way down my face. I grib my hands in fists and pound on the wall. I scream out his name and curse it. WAking up the family that resides in this home. My human mother walks in and tries to comfort me. I take no comfort. How can i? I no longer am whole. I am just a shell of who i used to be. Just some amussment casted aside now that a biger more expensive toy can be played with.   
  
I cry on he but i am a thousand miles away. I am back into the Makai in that palace. Watching the man i love with all i am having sex with someone else. I know then why he never wants me around. He is trying to live two lives. THis one beening his first choice and his life with me being his pasttime.  
  
Was i not good enough?  
  
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I know these are short. I am just trying to write it as much as i can. Its hard to write something this depressing!! I just hope i am making you feel his pain!! Reveiw and thanks. 


	3. Going home to Heartbreak

Another chapter another round! I just hope that you all like this!! THank you so much everyone for taking the time out to read and review..  
  
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THe light hit my sore swollen eyes and and woke me up. I get up and dressed. I can't stay here. I need to return o my apartment. I go and wash my face hoping it will hide the old tear tracks down my face. I place on my god son mask and go downstairs to join my family.   
  
My mother hugs me and both my step father and step brother keep giving me pitying looks. It is the last thing i can handle right now. I tell my mother i am going to return home. SHe smiles a worried smile at me then i bid her goodbye.  
  
My heart feels as if a case of ice has been casted over it. My chest feels empty and i have a headache. I pass lovers and children and i pull mty arms tighter around myself. My gaze lands on trees and a wishful feeling feels me.   
  
As i climb the stairs to my apartment dread fills me. THe first time i walked up these steps i was happy and excited we would have a place of our own. Were we can love, talk, and just be ourselves. THen it hits me. Hiei was never truly himself. Not since after the Makai Tornament. He changed. He was no longer mine. Tears form to spill forth. I don't let them fall.   
  
I quickly go upthe stairs and hear another door open. I go inside and shut the door my back to it. My eyes look inside Just that little bit and my grief over flows through me.   
  
Nights of love and passion replay over and over. Betrayal flows out of my mouth with a cry. My back to the door i fal to my knees then my hands move to my hair. Hair he always said he loved. H eused to play with it before, during, and after making love. I grip it tight and pull it.H eloved my hair!! I pull and pull as fresh tears spill and sobs come out. I rest my head on the door and just sit there and cry.  
  
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Ok there it is!! Let me know if you guys like or hate this!! I really love to hear from you all!! Bye for now 


	4. Gettign Rid Of Things And A Bath

I love this story so far!! I just hope i keep doing a great job!! Thank you to my two readers that have been reading!! Also Alex I wish to thank you for reading my stuff!! Oh and i can't wait for your new story. E-mail me when you post it. Not getting anything telling me if anything new is up! :( Enough of me on with the show!!lol  
  
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How long have i been siting here? One hour,Four, or have i been here all night? I slowly get up. My legs are wobily and my chest hurts. My stomach hurts from a lack of food. food somehing i really don't feel like. I go inot the livingroom and walk to the wooden Tv stand. I go over all the pictures on it. I then grab onto one and punch it. Then annother till all the picture frames with him in it are broke. THe glass cuts into my knuckles. but it really don't hurt. Its like the pain in my heart is keeping all my other pains away.   
  
I then go inot the kitchen and take out all the ice cream i kept stocked in there and throw out about 30 american dollars worth. THen i get rid of any food he liked. Any thing he said he loved. It all gets thrown away. I then take the garbage out.   
  
I pass acouple and just stare at my feet. I throw it in the garbage bin and the lid falls on my hand. It's the same one that i had cut. It hurts but..I don't care. I just don't anymore. I get my hand lose and tear some skin off my palm.   
  
I head back to my apartment and a car that was coming in the drive almost runs me over. He stopped. I really don't care. If he had hit me it would end my suffering. It would end the life of Minamino SHuichi and Youko Kurama. It would free me.  
  
I go back inside. Tears forming once again. I then go into the bathroom and run a bath. Yes a hot bath would soothe me. As i begin to soak in it. I can remeber us making love here. Me Washing his tore bloody body after a fight.   
  
I close my eyes and cry. THen i say to him even though he can't hear me." Hiei, I thought it was you. I thought we were supposed to be lovers till we died. I thought you loved me. I really thought you loved me. You told me you did. Oh hiei..I thought it was you. " 


	5. Goodbye Koi

I want to finish this story so am doing it now!! I hope you all enjoyed it. I tried my best to make it come out right. Here is the last of it  
  
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I lay in the tub and a thought fills my soaked body. I can not go on knowing what has happened. I get up and walk to my kitchen. I grab a knife and then a lighter. I go and write out a goodbye letter to you. My tears fall with every word. My hand writing is shaky.   
  
I go back into the tub iput the note near the tub. I then light up all my candles that have always been used for lovin. I lay back and stare at the knife. I then cut it inot my wrists. THen as blood pours from one i go to the other. I then make a deep cut wound over where my heart was. On my neck you claimed me as yours. I go and cut at it. Now i am bleeding in the tub and my thoughts go over everything that had happened.   
  
I went to surprise visit you. I was excited to see you. A guard lead me to your rooms. I went in to see you in her arms. Both moaning and moving in a dance of passion. Every moan cut at my heart. I thne told myself it was just a one time thing. I wen tout with tears in my eyes and ran into two children two years apart. a son and a daughter. THey had your eyes. It was then i knew you had a family. A real true family. Something you had wanted for a long time. I had thought i had become your family!!  
  
I ran out of the palace knocking guards down. My tears falling and making my vision fuzzy. I ran and rembered all the sweet words you had told me. I then thought of every talk we had. I fall on my hands and kness screaming your name.   
  
You come to talk to me. TO tell me that i don't understand. I told you then you were right. I don't understand why you had to fuck her. THen..THen came the last of the news to shatter my soul. Before the tournament you and she bonded. THe reason being you had fallen in love with her.   
  
I don't remeber what happened next. I know i got up and ran as fast as i coul dto the Ningenkai. I know that as i ran my heart and soul grew colder. Yes...now there is nothing left.   
  
My eyes grow heavy and its hard to stay awake. soon no pain or memories will find me. I will be gone from it all. I happily give my self over to death.  
  
~~Two days later~~  
  
I tried to explain to you everything. I tap on the window and its locked. so is the door. I then go to your human mothers. I had to make you see that while i love her. You are my very life. my everything. All that we had ever shared meant the world to me.   
  
I go and see people al in black and crying. Dread fills me. I go inside and find out from a sobbing older women you had died. You killed your self. I go to where you are and begin to cry.   
  
A framed letter is by the casket. I read it and then take it from there. It was not meant for any one else but me. I go to my room in Mukuro's palace and read your last words.  
  
Hiei,  
  
Aishiteru Zutto koi. I can never forget you. But living a lie is not something i can do. I meant everything i had told you. I gave you all i could.It just wasn't enough. I just wasn't enough. I am leaving to go to wherre you can no longer hurt me. Now you can spen al your time with your family.   
  
Sayanora   
  
Shuichi Minamino, Youko Kurama  
  
Your old lover  
  
Tear gems fell as i held that letter close. I had never wanted you to know. Now that you found out you had died. Oh Kurama...can i live with out you?  
  
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Ok yes i know it sucked so don't bother reveiwing!! Man though i feel better now!! 


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